5 Steps to process difficult emotions.
As humans, we have the privilege of perceiving a variety of emotions. Some of them bring us pleasure like happiness, joy, love, surprise, curiosity, and excitement, to name a few. When we experience them we just want to hold that feeling forever.
But what happens when you experience the uncomfortable ones? Who can say they like to feel guilt or frustation?
Uncomfortable emotions make us cringe and run for hills. Most of the time these types of emotions trigger thoughts that we do not want to revisit. We suddenly feel attacked, and our primitive brain chooses to respond with either fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode.
Is there a way to get make the experience of having an uncomfortable feeling easier?
I have found a way to improve how I process difficult emotions, by comparing it to the German fairy tale "Rumpelstiltskin". I know sounds weird, but follow me here.
Here is a summary of the story, for those who have never heard about it:
“The title character is a mysterious gnomelike man who spins straw into gold for the benefit of a beautiful miller’s daughter, in exchange for her future firstborn child. The little man reappears to demand his payment when the young woman, now the queen, bears her first child. After she begs him to release her from her thoughtless vow, he allows her three days in which to discover his name. If she cannot, he will take the child. All seems lost until someone overhears his premature celebration of his good fortune and gives the queen the information she needs to keep her child.”
(Britannica, T. Editors of Encyclopaedia (2016, May 31). Rumpelstiltskin. Encyclopedia Britannica. https://www.britannica.com/topic/Rumpelstiltskin)
The miller’s daughter was facing death. The little man saved her from that fate and that eventually lead her to be Queen.
How can uncomfortable emotions help me? You may ask. Well, these emotions can help you heal from your past. An uncomfortable emotion is most of the time a reaction from a circumstance that touched an unhealed childhood or "origin" wounds.
Vienna Pharaon beautifully explains these wounds in her bestseller book: “The origins of you: how breaking family patterns can liberate the way we live and love”.
According to Pharaon, wounds could be one or more of the following: Worthiness Belonging, Prioritization, Trust, and Safety.
When your wound is touched the uncomfortable emotion is activated as an alarm. Doing so grants you the opportunity to notice your unique wound.
Being aware of your wound and being curious about it with compassion, can get you closer to healing it.
The story then takes a twist when the little man requests, the now Queen, for her first newborn child.
This is the part when emotions take hold of us and come in like a strong wave. We cannot control our feelings and this is when it gets tricky.
In the fairy tale, the Queen is able to free herself and her child by figuring out the little man’s name. Well, the same comes with uncomfortable emotions the key to releasing yourself and navigating them starts with figuring out their names.
Here are the 5 steps that can help you process uncomfortable emotions.
Stop what you are doing, take a deep breath, and notice the sensations in your body. Where do you feel it? Do you feel it as a rapid heartbeat? A clenched jaw? Heavy shoulders or a closed fist?
Write or say the sensations you feel. Example: "My heart is beating fast, I have shortness of breath, and I am also grinding my teeth".
Name the emotion or emotions you are feeling. Is it anger, anxiety, disappointment, embarrassment, fear, frustration, grief, shame, guilt, regret, sadness, etc?
Brene Brown’s “Atlas of the heart: mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience” presents a fascinating list and research on these emotions.
4. Write or say the emotion out loud. Example: “I feel overwhelmed”.
5. Just like a wave that passes by you, will notice the emotion begins to weaken. When you are back feeling like yourself, be curious and try to find out why the experience you were facing triggered you. Is there a wound that might be needing attention?
Difficult emotions are not bad, they have a purpose in your life. You may not be able to control them when they arrive, but you do have the choice of how to react. Changing your perspective of what they mean can be a game-changer for you. Instead of drowning in the emotion and then regretting acting on impulse, see them as an opportunity for self-discovery. An improved version of yourself awaits.